Life with Anxiety

Life with Anxiety

        Living with anxiety can be so damn annoying sometimes. Like being in a public place alone and just overthinking about how many people are there and how crowded I am. It’s irritating and annoying because I really don’t even want to think about something so trivial. Then there’s the times when anxiety must remind me just how big and bad ass it really is. It reminded me of that this past week.

        So, I had a doctor’s appointment last Thursday for some pain in my legs that I had been having for quite a while (Idk why I waited so long) But I got somewhat of bad news…. Nothing fatal but still a shocker. My anxiety instantly kicked in. I cried in the doctor’s office and spent the next couple days in such a funk. My whole mood was down and out. I was so worried about what health issue I must deal with now that my anxiety was starting to knock at the door. I’ve been doing really good at meditating lately and that really helps when those punk ass attacks come looking for a place to hang. But little did I know, the OG of attacks was heading this way. Due to being in a depressed state pretty much the first few days after my appointment, I didn’t do some of the things that I had been routinely doing. Like my morning yoga and meditation then after showering doing some cleaning and a couple hours of homework. Now I was still showering and cleaning and doing the quick homework assignments. By not doing my yoga and meditation, I wasn’t keeping my sanity and worries in check. And I had put off two papers that I needed to have written for two separate classes. I kept saying that I would get to it as soon as I had the energy to focus.

Fast forward to Monday, the day before they were due, and school had been canceled for my daughters so my plan of writing my papers in a nice kid and question free zone was not happening. But they had to be written regardless. It wasn’t my kids fault I put it off so long, so I had to buckle down and get them done. I started with the longer one. It was just two pages that I normally could do with my eyes closed in a snow storm…. but not this time. I just sat there reading the requirements over and over and over. Then reading the topic over again. Then the requirements then the topic. After 10 minutes of that, I started to try to write. I had a total of one sentence done in 15 minutes. First, I thought I was having writer’s block, which I’m use to since starting my blog, but it was so much more than that. My mind wouldn’t stop going a million miles a minute. Every thought about everything I was going through was running around in my brain. I couldn’t stop it. Then the frustration set in…. I hate when this happens because I get so upset with myself that I can’t stop my mind. It’s like I know I should be in charge of my own brain a lot better, but I can’t. It makes me feel so crazy. Then BOOM! I felt that thunder in my chest which is what it feels like when it starts to beat that hard and fast. Then the sweating which also causes the chills. My head starts to feel like it’s about to explode and what’s next is the worst. I knew it was coming so I got to a room by myself, so I could brace myself for the fucking tears. And boy did they come! This anxiety attack wanted to show its dominance in my life and it truly tried. If you’ve never had one before, I would say you are a lucky soul. I always describe my depression and anxiety like feeling like you’re drowning, but everyone else around you are breathing and living life just fine. It can feel devastating. And this one wanted to hang around a bit too long for me. I wiped my tears, or at least as fast as I could while more fell from my eyes, sat in my meditation pose, took a series of super deep breathes, and kept telling myself that I could beat this. After about 10 minutes, my mind started to slow down, and the tears had finally stopped. Ten more minutes later, I was feeling so much better. I headed back to my laptop, put my headphones on, turned on my Apple Music, and I wrote my paper within 30 minutes. I was relieved.

        Sometimes my anxiety is like a fly that’s just getting on my nerves, then other times it’s a shark trying to eat me alive…. But, one thing I need to keep in mind is that I need to stick to my daily routine to keep myself at a normal stress level. My doctor did give me my prescription for the medication that helps with my attacks, but her and I both agree that I shouldn’t be dependent on them, so I only keep them for extreme cases. And even though that one was pretty severe, I did do a good job at getting myself through it naturally. I will take the medicine when needed, but having a steady routine everyday helps keep me sane. Thank goodness for yoga and meditation…it saves my life.